***I am so behind in blogging that the only place to begin is right in the middle!!
Big NEWS!! I have an agent now!! I am VERY excited as he also represents NINA F***ing HARTLEY!!!! You can find me here: www.vangardtalent.com/talent
Just got back from a quick trip to Los Angeles – exciting, disappointing, and HOT! Exciting because I had a GREAT shoot with Dungeon Corp – my third time shooting with them – had a BLAST!! The Dom for the day was unable to make it due to food poisoning so JP – The POPE himself – decided to take me on and wait till you see the results. Look for updates on strictrestraint.com soon. I will be shooting with them again in August – this time for fuckingdungeon.com. Yes the name implies the activity and should be quite fun.
Also – the day before DC shoot, I had an afternoon with the devilish, sexy Venus DeMila. This lady is HOT HOT HOT and she wasted no time showing me who was in charge. I know I have said before that I am not “into” girls – but I am into power, and she wielded it masterfully. Keep an eye on www.VenusDeMila.com for updates. I will tell you one thing – the cock she used on me is nicknamed Godzilla. Let your imaginations run wild ☺
Then onto the RevMel show! www.tsrnetwork.com Not certain how many of you got to tune in and enjoy but the 2 hours passed very quickly. I was quite nervous at the beginning and I could see how red my neck and face was on the camera. But once we got going things settled down a bit and my heart rate receded to a normal level once again. Rev had a bit of a sore throat so had to keep sucking on lozenges but was otherwise in top form. I was honored that BigDaddyBD www.fetlife.com/users/327157 and Ivan Beast www.fetlife.com/users/241084 took time to come to the show and be part of the audience. In fact they tried to kidnap me at the end! Thankfully my microphone got stuck. These two have and amazing product line of kinky furnishings that is worth taking a look at! They are just getting up and running so you can view images through FetLife.
The worst part of my trip was that K/MY MAN did not come with me. Just not economically possible this trip, and separation for us is always difficult. HOWEVER – we did finally set up Skype on both our computers and boy did that help. I loved the anticipation of him ringing me up. Seeing MY MAN made the distance seem shorter. What the hell did we wait so long for?!? K picked me up at the airport and had a gift bag waiting for in the car – such a sweetie! Inside the bag was a CD of love songs (and a few other songs I enjoy) he had put together, a container of Sour Straws (makes my mouth pucker), caramel popcorn with a bit of chocolate that I have been wanting to try, a card and rose petals!!! When we got home there we 5 MORE CARDS at different places around our house, sour pops in the freezer AND rose petals all over our bed! I love being in love! The love MY MAN showers on me seems never ending… I feel utterly adored as his mate, his girl, his hole. What a lethal and heady combination.***
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I dropped MY LOVE off at the airport today so she could fly to Los Angeles for three to six days of adult work. She was supposed to shoot with West Coast Gang Bangs again but they are trying to cancel at the last minute because their camera guy is not available. Now this is not art, it is pornography, and just about any idiot can operate a video camera so I’m calling bullshit on this pathetic excuse. Because theirs was one of the highest paying gigs, it is the main reason six days of shooting might wind up being three. Nobody is paying travel or lodging expenses so just getting to California MY LOVE was already in the hole, and relying on every gig she booked. I’m not saying people can’t cancel, but come up with a better fucking excuse at least!
I just got done talking to her on Skype, which means we got to see each other as well. She’s took the laptop with her and I hope we get to do this every day, at least once. It’s so much better than the phone. Dropping her off at the airport earlier was very difficult. Yes, we are going on four years together and both of us still get sad and panicky when we know we’re going to be apart for a few days. It’s sweet, wonderful, sad, sick and beautifully pathetic. We sure as hell don’t like feeling this way but we are ever so thankful that we do. The alternative is unthinkable. I don’t look forward to the day that I look forward to some time away from the love of my life. I honestly hope that never happens.
MY LOVE is shooting for/with various people and I will let you know about that tomorrow. I will also be putting up information about a four-hour talk show that she will be on Monday evening, so come back tomorrow and take a look before you miss it.
I love you and miss you so very much sweetheart. Take care, sleep well, have fun, miss me and know that I can’t wait to have you home again.
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Been working on this post for a few days now. Just want to get it right. This is really important…
I once named a movie we shot “Love = Pain” because I was trying to sound dramatic. Little did I know the truth of what I was writing. I don’t imagine this post will surprise anybody, but I’m sure it will disappoint a few of you. Can’t help that now.
I am in love. Not with another woman, but with MY LOVE. Many of you are saying “Duh! We all know that!” I guess I knew it too, but it really hit me HARD a few nights ago, how very real my love for MY LOVE is. Of course I will try to explain, but please forgive me if I still have to be vague and secretive about a few things.
That MY LOVE and I started an open relationship was not something wonderful at first, I’ve already alluded to that. Both of us have had a rough week but it has been particularly difficult for me. Now I’ve had open relationships in the past. Many of them. In fact, I have to look pretty far back in my life to remember a girl that I was trying to be 100% monogamous with. All of those relationships, in one way or another, worked just fine for me yet none of them lasted, or were nearly as important as the one I am in now. My ex-wife and I had one hell of an O P E N relationship that included plenty of same-room/group action and led to some outside sexual stuff that was very much about individual desires and experiences. We spent considerable time doing other things with other people. We worked our way up to it though, so threats of jealousy and fear could be handled quicker and easier. By the time we were off fucking other people we’d done so much together that there was hardly a doubt our love was strong enough to handle it. Our love was stable and nobody would come between us. Of course, despite being given the freedom to do just about ANYTHING she wanted, my ex still kept secrets and fucked people behind my back. In the end, for her, it was about being bad and trying to get away with something that was so arousing. That had to end.
That’s not how it is with MY LOVE and I, nor do I worry that it will ever come to that. I trust her and she trusts me. Our plan, despite rocky beginnings, is to be honest about what is happening and still try to experience and explore as much together as we can. I understand the desires MY LOVE has for other men, other cocks, other experiences… I’ve sublimated just about all of my extracurricular desires throughout the bulk of this relationship. Not that we didn’t explore, and get away with experiencing some incredible stuff together, but we’ve had our share of dry spells and disappointments. More than our fair share. When we started dating we both admitted that it wasn’t likely we could be everything for each other. Again, I was okay with the notion of sharing MY LOVE sexually with other people because I was familiar and comfortable with that sort of relationship. What I didn’t know at the time - nearly four years ago now - was that denying my desires for so long would in essence dampen and nearly destroy them. What I didn’t know, was that waiting nearly four years for MY LOVE to get comfortable enough/fed up enough to accept and suggest an open relationship would find me lulled into a place where I didn’t want or need a certain kind of outside stimulation anymore. I’m not saying I’ve stopped fantasizing about group encounters and things of that nature, but sharing MY LOVE with someone while I’m not around, I’m finding out, is NOT something I want. It makes me ache to my very core. It took me an incredibly stressful week in which I felt sick, ecstatic, crazy, depressed, angry, confused and hopeful to come to a simple realization: I don’t want to share MY LOVE with other people.
It wasn’t easy to tell her that I didn’t want an open relationship, yet it was an incredible relief and release to realize why I didn’t. I love her. To my very core, I love her. I want to grow old with her, and I honestly couldn’t handle it if she wasn’t a part of my daily life, for the rest of my life. I do NOT want to fool around with other people. The desire, for me, is really NOT there. It’s been killed by nearly four years of sublimation and by the very real fact that I am completely in love with MY LOVE. For me, our sex is satisfying. I do not find myself desiring other women very often – don’t even watch porn much anymore – and can honestly say that I am happy/content/satisfied with what I have. That is the very bottom line. I don’t want anyone else and I am happy with what I have. That is an absolutely WONDERFUL thing to realize and admit! I am overjoyed!
But…
Clearly, MY LOVE is not satisfied, and there are reasons we simply can’t share with you that would help explain some of it. What I will say is this: we started this relationship with the very real plan that I would be sexually selfish. We began with the idea that I would be greedy and just take, making few attempts to give much back, and MY LOVE was quite enthused with this arrangement. The problem is I took it too far, it lasted too long, and she never told me that things were getting bad for her until it was too late. I took way too much, thinking everything was okay, but looking back I see how little I was giving and how it must have affected MY LOVE and her sexual health/happiness. Right now, she is in need of outside stimulation from other people, and that is definitely threatening to me. It hurts to know she’s so hungry for something else. It’s a silly, unrealistic hit to the ego that I’m not doing it for her right now. That I can’t be “everything”. I already knew I couldn’t be, so why is it suddenly such a blow? Maybe just because I finally have to deal with it. There is no denying we both think about other people, situations and scenarios when we are having sex with each other, and I feel that’s normal. Neither of us has ever been naïve about that, nor has it bothered us. MY LOVE has never had a problem with me watching porn while having sex with her because she understands that at its base, I’m just getting aroused by a little visual stimulation. Not cheating on her in my mind and thinking how much more I’d rather be fucking the girls I see on the television, just enjoying my eyes. She usually took advantage and tried to enjoy my arousal, and I thought things were just fine and dandy between us. Recent events have me so unnerved though that I am threatened by her thoughts now, which is SCARY UNHEALTHY! So I don’t know what we’re going to do.
We are still going to try and have an open relationship though, and it all could work out just fine. If things go a bit slower than they began it all could turn out really well. Right now, the thought puts me in a panic and I’m still having a difficult time dealing with that. Silly. I know MY LOVE is very much in love with me but it still hurts. I know that she wouldn’t normally do things to hurt me but we don’t always deal with normal circumstances, especially in our crazy lives. We are going to work together to get MY LOVE what she needs, because that is the best way I know to show her that my love is true. I have to at least try. I don’t think I’ll be looking for anything to enjoy outside of our relationship for a while. I just don’t have it in me. The desire really isn’t there. I want MY LOVE, and that is all I want. Isn’t that fucking fantastic?! So in love, so enamored, and so ready to show it properly too! There has been some real neglect on my part, though in all fairness I didn’t know I was doing the wrong things until it was too late, but that is going to stop. It already has. I doubt it will be enough to kill the desire within MY LOVE but maybe if we do some “other stuff” together with other people she won’t want to go off alone for a while, and I will have the chance to enjoy this and transition into it comfortably, instead of being threatened by it and feeling forced into it. There is a level of sharing I just don’t want right now but I hardly rule it out for the future. I try to remain open to anything.
I did not love the women I was with in the past. I thought I was in love, had myself convinced I was in love, or was in denial about the whole thing. Hindsight helps you see that sort of stuff clearer. Until I met MY LOVE, and fell in love with her, I hadn’t experienced shit. What I am feeling and experiencing now is the real thing. Knowing that to my core – realizing it, believing it, living it – has changed me, and it too will change this relationship just like opening it already has. For better or worse remains to be seen but I can tell you one thing, I don’t want to change the name of this site to RuinedLove so I’m going to work very hard to make certain we are both happy, healthy, safe and still very much in love years from now. I simply can’t imagine it any other way.
Obviously I haven't said everything there is to say about this, but that's more than enough for now. Thank you all for your personal and public messages. We appreciate every compliment, caution, congratulations and piece of advice. It has much value to both of us…
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I haven't written in a few days because some serious shit has been happening. Here's what's going on:
MY LOVE and I are trying to take the openness of our relationship to a new level. Basically, we’re not seeing other people but we are free to fuck them, or glean some other unspecific pleasures from them. This has us both excited and very anxious.
How this came about was a horrible and painful experience but the end result is what we’re really interested in here so it’s not important. What we are focusing on is the pleasure and excitement we are going to bring into our lives. I wouldn’t say we’ve set super-specific boundaries yet, and that probably isn’t the smartest idea, but this seems like a dive in with both feet kind of situation so I’m going with it. Can’t complain about the possibility of some new flesh to explore and enjoy, and I’m secure enough that I can actually get excited about the same thing for MY LOVE. Just like me, she has to fuck the same motherfucker every day, multiple times a day. It must be hard for her to really get aroused and excited when we are often doing the same old stuff. I know it’s hard for me sometimes.
I don’t know how much of what we do will be shared here. For now, probably not a lot. I know I should be telling you everything that happens so you can at least learn by example, but I’m not ready to spill it all just yet. Maybe down the read I can admit embarrassing and painful details, but right now is positive time.
When MY LOVE and I talked about this sort of thing before it was always about fucking people and then saying farewell. No getting to know them. That has changed. We are going to take the time to get to know a few people so that we can maybe have some friends - or at least close acquaintances - who share some of the same sexual desires and openness that we do. Doesn’t mean that everyone that comes over has to full swap or join an orgy but we want people around who are comfortable if that starts happening.
I think what has become more important than anything, especially to MY LOVE, is that we/she be attracted to the people we are fooling around with. We have had WAY too many negative experiences in this area and it simply has to stop. She has actually reached a level of desperation that is so overwhelming she is making rash, regretful decisions. I want this to stop, so I am encouraging her to go out and find whatever it is she needs. Can’t say it makes me feel really confident about my abilities but the reality is we were never going to be everything for each other. It is simply not possible. We’ve had discussions about this and we both agree. I can share her flesh if I know her heart will remain true to me – that she will come home to me and not be some place else when she is here - and she wants the same assurances. After that, it’s all just fun. At least I hope it will be.
So we are excited, and a bit anxious. Great times await, with possible complications. This freedom is important. Our happiness and sexual well-being are important. That we make it through this new phase in our relationship better for having done it is of utmost importance. I don’t want us to be so damaged that there isn’t a hope for a future. I still very much want to grow old with this woman. She is my everything.
Well, almost everything I guess… ; )
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MY LOVE writes:
***No doubt about it, MY MAN and I are in deep. I am in NYC (arrived this morning) and K is home in PDX. Feels like I haven't seen him in a week! How is it possible we just don't tire of each other? I love being around him, I love that we work together all day and still want to cuddle in front of a movie. Being apart in the same city is one thing - I mean it isn't like we don't have separate interests - but knowing I can't just drive home and see him...
Sick, twisted, amazing, bottomless, integral. Somehow our two souls found one another. They are not meant to be apart for long.
I miss you MY EVERYTHING!***
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