Make you my little toy
Never release you
Lock you up
But I won’t throw away the key
I know you wouldn’t try to escape
But I’m going to tie you here
Just in case
Keep you a secret
But I don’t want to hide you
You are the answer to my question
My example of perfection
The object of my affection and destruction
You understand that you belong to me
Will remain here indefinitely
Awaiting my directions and instructions
Scared
Because I can’t hear you breathing
But I know this means
you won’t be leaving
When you wake up I’ll apologize
Until then,
you are mine to enjoy
Laying there quiet,
Still and silent
Beautiful vacant look in your eyes
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First of all, this is not aimed at any specific person, but at everyone in general. To anyone that is going to continue to read this blog. Unless I type out your name, for everyone to read, this is not about you. If you can read the rest of this post with that in mind, I’d really appreciate it.
Blacks/African-Americans/Negros are a community. So are Hispanics/Mexicans/Latinos. They are a community by birth, blood, and heritage. Do you think any of them would feel insulted if I simply said “I do not wish to be a part of your community”? They would probably shrug their shoulders and go on with their day. Christians, Catholics – part of a religious community. Do you think they feel insulted that I don’t want to do what they do? Not likely. None of them have contacted me anyways…
When I was younger, I would tell people “I don’t like Led Zeppelin”. The reactions of Zeppelin fans – and there were many – basically amounted to “You’re crazy!” These people became my instant social enemies. They felt, because we did not have this particularly important thing in common, that we had nothing in common. But that was High School. That was High School! But we’ve all grown attached to some things that are a bit more important to us, haven’t we? Now, I could probably say I didn’t like Led Zeppelin and most people just wouldn’t care. Tell someone you aren’t interested in their sexual and lifestyle choices though, and it’s like we’re back in school again. You don’t like what I like? Well then I don’t like you! And I’m going to tell all my friends so that they won’t like you either!
I don’t want to be a part of any community – political, religious, ethnic, or otherwise. I am content to be an individual. By myself, without a community to back me up. I simply do not need that. I don’t need someone to identify with, or reassurance from a group that I am okay. I don’t crave a lot of companionship. What I get from MY LOVE/with MY LOVE is almost always enough.
I’ve never cared for organized groups of people anyways. Group mentality scares the crap out of me. It baffles me. People become something unrecognizable when they are in a group, and feel like they are being watched and judged. I don’t like my voice shouted down and my individuality devalued. I don’t follow along well, and I’m not particularly interested in leading either. I simply would like to be.
I don’t think it’s an insult or a put-down to say to a specific community, or to all communities, “I do not wish to be a part of what you are a part of.” It is not an insult, it is simply a statement – a decision I have made – and it’s nothing necessarily personal. If someone asked me “Would you like to be a part of the BDSM community?”, I would say no. Is that rude? Does it hurt your feelings? It doesn’t even have to mean that I see you or your community in a negative light. It just means it’s not for me. That simple. This is not about you, you egomaniac. This is about me, my choices, my decisions, my opinions, my beliefs, and me me me.
When I do have experiences with communities that are consistently negative, I cannot help but begin to form a negative opinion. I am not the kind of person who would say “Some black kid beat me up when I was young so I hate all black people”, but if throughout my childhood I had several run-ins with black people, I might form a negative opinion of them over time. It’s not like I went to a munch, had a bad time, and decided from that day forward that BDSM and the community attached to it is not for me. It has taken me a while to form my opinions. Until someone comes along and makes an effort to change the way I see things, it will remain that way. And so it goes…
To all you Led Zeppelin/BDSM lovers out there: this is not about you. I don’t know you. I haven’t referred to you or used your name. I don’t know what you practice, what you preach, or what you believe. When I say I don’t want to be a part of the BDSM community, it is a statement that should not be taken personally. If you do feel the need to take it to heart, but you can get past the insult you feel, I’d be more than happy to talk with you and try to see your side of things. Please don’t waste your time, and mine, by writing to tell me how hurt you are that I don’t want to be a part of your community. I’ll say it again – this is about me, not you. My perceptions, my experiences, my notions, my attitudes. These blog posts are about my experiences, so unless I had the experiences with you, you should have no problem with me.
In the future, if I say I don’t like Border Collies and you have a Border Collie, try not to take it personally. Unless I tried to pet your puppy and it bit me, then my negative attitude towards Border Collies has nothing to do with you, or your precious dog. In the end, that is just a petty thing to get bothered by, wouldn’t you agree? In the end, my lack of desire to be a part of the BDSM community is pretty insignificant. Your attention to this decision, and the expressing of it through my personal blog, gives it more importance than it deserves. Find something worthwhile to get upset about and maybe you’ll make a valuable change to the world. You won’t be changing me anytime soon…
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MY LOVE asked the other day, if I ever felt stagnant. Stuck. Static. Right now, we are both kind of feeling this way I think. It's not that things aren't moving forward, but it does feel like they aren't going far and fast enough for us. I call it the bottle neck or the thinnest part of the hour glass. We are so on the verge of things exploding - of blowing up - and right now it ONLY feels like a matter of time. So, time is sort of like our unseen but ever-present enemy. I don't want these next couple of months to fly by, because I do love the season and even enjoy the holidays, but I do want them over with because I KNOW next year holds many good things for us. My fortune cookie told me so.
While the porn-making business seems to be fluctuating with the economy, it has reached a certain level of stability. I feel like I can rely on X-amount of money each month, and that is comforting. I'm a little proud of myself too. I am making more, doing what I absolutely love, then I ever have in my life - with the exception of dealing drugs, but we won't talk about that right now. Two months ago, I made double what I made last month. Last month, as most of you probably know, the economy started to look really ugly, but I still had some big sales. Actually, I barely squeaked by, and that's part of the stuck/stagnant feeling I think MY LOVE is referring to. This month is looking about the same, and I know I should feel lucky to be making any money at all, but I'm also a bit frustrated. November and December are good months for toy makers and retail establishments. Even when I worked in the porn shops I knew that the end of the year was bound to be a slow time. That's just how it is.
We plan on starting a second web site next year, called HelpMeViolateHer. We'll begin filming in more dungeon spaces, and other interesting locations. We are going to be shooting for HomeGrown Video - a company that is pretty widely known and distributed in the porn shops. There will be a few new full-length feature movies that should shock a person or two, and we will continue to add to our material on Clips4Sale, and do custom fetish videos. Our biggest goal is to become more popular and widely known. We'd like to start making appearances at fetish/dungeon parties, sex clubs, etc. Getting our name out there so that it is more easily recognized.
I know that MY LOVE was speaking about more than money and business when she asked if I felt stagnant, but that was her main focus at the time. Our relationship doesn't feel stagnant. We grow to love each other more every day, even though that seems ridiculously impossible. What we have is far from perfect, but it is not stagnant either. Perhaps our daily life would fit into this category though, and I think it worries MY LOVE more than it worries me. We do pretty much the same thing, day after week after month. Sleep, wake, shower, eat, exercise, fuck, work, watch a movie, eat, play with the cats, shoot movies, fuck, love, repeat. Once a week, it is our great joy to go to the local small town bar, have 2 or 3 drinks, play some pool, and just hang out. Once a month, if we're lucky, there is a semi-culture-filled local event worth attending. This month it was four ladies playing classical music in the lobby of a museum - beautiful moment by the way. And once a month we travel to Portland where we can usually find the time to catch a concert or something. But MY LOVE does so much working when we go that it never seems like a vacation or a getaway. It's just taking what we already do to a different city.
We will bide our time and prepare for the new year. If we have to squeak through these next two months it's really no big deal. What waits for us will be so worth it. We are at the bottle neck, crowded in with everyone else that is trying to take another step forward. I don't know what it'll take to push us further ahead, but I am prepared to do it. Any progress we make, I feel both of us have worked for and earned. Any success we have is deserved. Once we explode out the other side of this, we are going to have all the room we need to expand and grow big. That's what we want - to be BIG!
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MY LOVE writes:
***It has been a while since we have had opportunity or desire to play as we have both been trying to get over a cold that was quite tenacious - to say the least. MY MAN tells me we are going to do a shoot Wednesday afternoon, and so my nervousness begins.
I don't know about other bottoms, but when I haven't played in a while the nervousness is more than just desire. It is a mixture of pure hunger, physical need, expectations, the need to please and the need to be satiated. As the minutes tick by, MY MAN busies himself getting things ready, going downstairs, setting up...generally just increasing my nervousness even more!!!
MY MAN gives me a T-Shirt and pair of panties to wear under my jeans and takes me downstairs. Just outside the door he pulls a blindfold from his pocket, tells me to turn around. Sightless, I am lead through the doorway. I hear him moving things about (sps ensues- soggy panty syndrome) but cannot see anything through the blindfold. My hands are handcuffed behind my back and I am informed that if I do not follow instructions very carefully, I could get hurt, really hurt.
I am told to get onto the bucket that is in front of me - MY MAN assists until I am in position. The collar around my neck is attached to a chain hanging from the ceiling. I am already beginning to sweat. I hear MY MAN turn the cameras on...
I am breathing harder now, concerned, excited and hungry for what is about to unfold.
The T-shirt is cut off, my jeans are undone and sink to my ankles. My panties get pulled down at some point but I honestly do not remember it happening. Trying to stay still so I do not fall is foremost on my mind. MY MAN is talking to me, asking me questions - it is annoying to have to verbalize while so much is going on (sweet torment), my answers are rushed but honest.
Clips, bamboo, a VERY STINGY THING, a rubber strap and his fists. I struggle to stay in position and take what is dished out, struggle to be strong while the fear intensifies...my tears flow freely and I say a few nasty things as my legs shake uncontrollably.
Everything hurts more when I am blindfolded. Everything hurts more combined with the anticipation of where the next blow will come from not to mention where it will land.
I have no way to protect myself. I feel very exposed. I am very wet.
I am loved.***
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Do you know what this is? Well do you?! - I feel like I'm scolding a dog...
Okay, to most of you this probably looks like a glass stir stick that is used in those big glass pitchers. Maybe that was the intended use but who are you or I to say? I may have even gotten it out of a glass pitcher but that doesn't mean it was in there to stir liquid, should any liquid enter the container. We can't really know that for sure...
This is a sex toy. Or perhaps it should be called a sexual aid. When I slide it in MY SLUT's pussy while she pretends to sleep, I know it keeps her nice and tight. The glass is smooth and there is little friction, but it feels so damn good pressed up against the underside of my cock. I push into her at a severe angle and try to see if I can stretch her out but it only seems to get tighter. I can't imagine what the sensations are like for her, but she rarely gets the glass rod in her when she is "awake", so I don't get any instant reactions. When we finish she is always smiling like she did something wrong and I know this look means she had a good time. I don't think I've put it in her ass yet, but that's going to happen sooner or later.
Yes, it's glass, and I'm sure it could break if we abused it. Nothing I do produces the kind of pressure that would cause it to bust. I'd be hurting her too much before I could make that accident happen. Besides, we like taking risks. But I figure it was meant to stir up liquid and ice so it can just sit in MY MEAT's pussy while I rub against it really good.
We love using everyday items as sex toys!
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